I have been stricken with so much emotion these past few days. To the point that the smallest things will bring tears to my eyes.
I was shopping for school supplies the other day and found myself tearing up in the middle of Office Max. The thought of not having Emma and Chase with me during the day is overwhelming and heartbreaking. It seems like we just started summer and Monday is the first day of a new school year. The emotions are conflicting, I know I should be excited for them. Excited for the memories they will make, the friendships they will foster, the milestones they will reach…but somehow I struggle because I have a hard time knowing I will not see their beautiful faces every moment. Knowing that I wont be there when they have some of those adventures, I wont be able to see their eyes light up with excitement and worried I will miss cuddling them when they feel like they need me. Yes, I know…. school is only part of the day but I feel as though I am constantly playing, “catch up”. I missed nearly a year with my sweet Emma and she will be 9 in September, the days where she wants to spend time with me are going to slow down as she grows and wants to spend more time with her friends and mommy becomes a bit embarrassing. I want Chase to have more moments of normal with me, play time with mommy instead of mommy taking care of him medically. I want to slow down time…press the pause button and hold them….go back in time and hold them and be there the moments that I missed.
They both say I am not allowed to cry on the first day of school, so I am sure I will put a brave face on…then cry in the car when they are away. I try and not let the fear creep in, the fear that aches and pulls at my heart…the fear that I will not have forever with Chase. The fear that Emma will loose her brother whom she adores. When I have these fears I begin to pray and I find comfort. If only there was a way to never feel those fears again, but it is a work in progress, one day at a time.
As October approaches so does the 5 year anniversary of Chase’s diagnosis. Yes, it is a moment to celebrate, a moment to be so happy and blessed Chase is here and doing so amazingly well. 5 years ago many did not know if we would reach this moment…yet we have. It has not been without struggle, Chase has had to fight this beast not once but twice. Before I had a son with cancer I thought than when someone had beat cancer for 5 years that the fight had been won. Now that I live in this world I know some of the harsher truths. Many of the studies on survival are based on years survived after diagnosis. I wish those studies would say that with Chase’s cancer the chance of survival goes up…sadly it is the opposite. Marc once said, “you cant not know what you already know”. In some ways I wish I did not know so much about Chase’s cancer….the facts are enough to make my heart ache and not want to breath. Yet, I have something that keeps me breathing, keeps me smiling… that is watching Chase and Emma. Seeing how far Chase has come, seeing the obstacles he has overcome, hearing his infectious laugh and feeling the overwhelming love I have for him. Watching Emma’s soft and loving nature for Chase, knowing how much she cares not only for him but for everyone around her, watching her grow into a girl I am beyond proud of. All I ever wanted was for my kids to be happy and kind…she is one of the kindest souls I have ever met, she reminds me of the person I want to be. God is with us every day, battling with us, fighting those stinking statistics I have grown to despise. Reminding me with whispers and love that Gods miracles are endless and I want Chase to continue to be that endless miracle.